Opinion: Take Back Green Crack

I love love love Green Crack. A strong, stimulating sativa that keeps you clear headed, it’s perfect for daytime (or anytime) use. If I had to choose only one strain to smoke, this would be the one. There’s just one thing…

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE CALLED GREEN CRACK?!

At this point some (most?) readers might be thinking “Relax Grandpa, it’s just a name”, and I get it. You and I both know that any person capable of critical thinking should be able to separate a poorly chosen strain name from the greater cannabis legalization debate; but we also know from history (recent!) that a not-insignificant percentage of Americans are either unable or unwilling to apply critical thinking when it is needed most.

I also want to point out that, though cannabis laws are trending in the right direction, it’s still illegal according to Federal law. Unfortunately for everyone, right now the man in charge of Federal law is the last “Living Civil War Monument“ – Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. And the one thing he hates more than his boss is “the devil’s weed”. (I assume he calls it that, although Attorney General “Tree-Elf” probably enjoys calling it marijuana, as I’m sure he’s aware of the name’s racist origins.)

Sadly, the term “racist origins” is a perfect segue to my argument against the name “Green Crack”.  Simply put, the laws put into place to deal with the crack-cocaine epidemic of the 80’s were the most racist laws since the Jim Crow Era. The term “crack head” still evokes images of crazy eyed junkies, desperate for a fix. As much as I enjoy “Green Crack” I’ve never considered “S’ing somebody’s D” to get money to buy some.

So then, what should we change the name to? For all of its faults, I can actually see why someone would use “Green Crack” as a descriptor for this strain, due to the surge of energy it brings. But there must be options that evoke the stimulating effect without the negative connotations. Green Cocaine? Probably not a good idea. And not just because they would charge twice as much with that name.

Green Adderall, Ritalin and Meth all have a similar feel. Although both Green Amphetamine AND Green Nicotine have a ring to them, I can’t. At this point I’m betting you’ve already beaten me to the obvious choice.

What is an addictive stimulant, which people love and use every day that is also socially acceptable? The only answer is GREEN CAFFEINE!* It even rhymes!

*I’m sure with the new laws you would now have to put a disclaimer up assuring people it didn’t contain any actual caffeine, in which case I give up.  

BONUS LIST!!!
My original thought was to list a number of strain names to change, but after looking at over 2500 names (Thanks Leafly!) I realized that Green Crack was the worst offender. There were a few that could use name upgrades listed below. For your convenience I’ve sorted them into three categories.

VIOLENCE/DEATH

(1) JACK THE RIPPER- serial killers don’t make good spokesmen.
(2) DURBAN POISON- another favorite of mine, Durban Donuts maybe?
(3) WMD- wars have started over shit like this.
(4) AK-47- I know all the 2nd amendment stoners are going to complain.
(5) HIPPIE CRIPPLER- Dec 31, 1998- I think I smoked a variation of this strain. It was just called “crippler”. It had more orange on it than I had ever seen on a bud and it lived up to the name. Actually it’s the word “hippie” I object to.
(6) AGENT ORANGE- you mean the WMD that the US used in Vietnam?
(7) WHITE WIDOW- there are so many white widows here in Sherman Oaks, right up the hill from The Higher Path, it just seems tacky.
(8) TOXIC- as far as I know “toxic” is never good.
(9) LETHAL PURPLE- see “toxic”
(10) SUICIDE GIRL – I know this is a reference to some other thing, but that don’t make it right.
(11) TRAINWRECK- I can actually see calling it “car wreck” so that no one drives high, but who the hell drives a train?
(12) ABUSIVE OG- do I have to elaborate?

BAD TIMES

(1) WHITE NIGHTMARE- “honey, I dreamt we ran out of La Croix”!!
(2) BRAIN DAMAGE- Ok if this is a reference to the Pink Floyd song.
(3) EL CHAPPO- bad guy who got rich thanks in part to bad drug laws.
(4) ENEMY OF THE STATE- on hold until we see if our democracy crumbles.
(5) NIGHT TERROR OG. – Do not smoke before bed.
(6) TRASH- this is all I smoked in College.  Thanks el Chappo!
(7) CHARLIE SHEEN- this guy has problems.
(8) BORDELLO- see: Charlie Sheen.

JUST, WHY?  

(1) CAT PISS- nope
(2) DOG SHIT- shit no
(3) BOOGER- I get it, green. But no.
(4) PLACENTA- nutrient rich, otherwise no.
(5) WET DREAM- gross.

Can you think of another strain that’s in need of a re-name? Let us know down in the comments!

Spliffkle and Eburnt

Spliffkle and Eburnt is a writer, actor and podcaster like everyone else in Los Angeles. Before that he worked on the Second City Main Stage in Chicago and before that he performed at Boom Chicago Theater in Amsterdam. Before that he was a baby.

You can listen to his cannabis and culture review poTcast At The Doobies here. You can also follow the podcast on Twitter.

If you like sports, go here.

Spliffkle and Eburnt is also available for parties.

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